Sunday, May 15, 2005
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Everybody has their own crack...
Mine has been broadband. And right now I am wallowing in it. Do you hear me?? Wallowing. When I moved out here to Wellington (aka the boonies) I was told by the cable company that I could get broadband. The day I moved in they called me to inform me that they were A) lying and that B) I was a chump for believing them.
The answer seemed to come from a local company run out of a semi-abandoned building that used surplus Israeli tank radio technology to beam broadband to a big-ass receiver in the home. I am not making this up. Alas, the technology needed line of sight to work and unless I wanted to build an 80 foot tower on my land I was SOL.
Tinme passed and I suffere the repetitive kick to the balls that is dial up. My best connection was 24k. Like sipping shit through a straw. Then I got a call from my contact. He said there was a new gizmo. Some new tech that could do it. I handed him a check without hesitation with the promise that if he were lying, I would have his balls for lunch with some Sun chips and a Fresca.
Three months later it has finally happened. He spent much of the day erecting an antenna on my garage roof and running wires into the house. Does it look ugly? You bet it does. Do I care right now? Fuck no! It works. I have blessed broadband again. I've spent the last few hours just basking in its goodness. The shakes have almost completely dissapeared. I went and bought a Modest Mouse tune from the itunes store (which didn't work on dial up) I watched a full screen trailer for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Right now Steam is downloading Half-Life2 deathmatch. Joy!
Tomorrow the guy returns to clean up the cabling and get Rossanas system to work. As a bonus, I can now get web access out in the shop. Oh sweet jesus it feels like I have come back to life again. You bastards will have to find someone else to mock for their lack of broadband. Mine's just fine, thank you.
Here's a picture of my ugly-ass 30 foot tower:
The answer seemed to come from a local company run out of a semi-abandoned building that used surplus Israeli tank radio technology to beam broadband to a big-ass receiver in the home. I am not making this up. Alas, the technology needed line of sight to work and unless I wanted to build an 80 foot tower on my land I was SOL.
Tinme passed and I suffere the repetitive kick to the balls that is dial up. My best connection was 24k. Like sipping shit through a straw. Then I got a call from my contact. He said there was a new gizmo. Some new tech that could do it. I handed him a check without hesitation with the promise that if he were lying, I would have his balls for lunch with some Sun chips and a Fresca.
Three months later it has finally happened. He spent much of the day erecting an antenna on my garage roof and running wires into the house. Does it look ugly? You bet it does. Do I care right now? Fuck no! It works. I have blessed broadband again. I've spent the last few hours just basking in its goodness. The shakes have almost completely dissapeared. I went and bought a Modest Mouse tune from the itunes store (which didn't work on dial up) I watched a full screen trailer for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Right now Steam is downloading Half-Life2 deathmatch. Joy!
Tomorrow the guy returns to clean up the cabling and get Rossanas system to work. As a bonus, I can now get web access out in the shop. Oh sweet jesus it feels like I have come back to life again. You bastards will have to find someone else to mock for their lack of broadband. Mine's just fine, thank you.
Here's a picture of my ugly-ass 30 foot tower:
The telltale skull...
Before moving to Bag End I lived in Elyria for about five years, and before that I rented a house in North Olmsted. I loved this house. It was a large 1920s bungalow with lots of woods and a cool stone fireplace. Our landlady was a nice Transylvanian woman who never bothered us. It also had about 5 acres of land.
I held several theme parties at the house that were a lot of fun. One of the last ones was a kind of scavenger hunt involving stealing headstones from graveyards (they weren’t real headstones, relax) and locating an old family burial plot behind the house.
I had an old style coffin made and constructed a crude skeletal body for it. The party went off without a hitch but the next day it rained and the grave I had dug filled up with water. We left it alone since it was in the far back of the property and forgot about it. Two years later the landlady sells the house and we have to move right around Christmas. Not fun.
Flash forward 7 years. We decide to get stone steps put in at the new house to replace the rotting wooden ones. The guy doing the work asks us to come see the stone in person to give final approval and send us, by complete coincidence, to our old house. The buyers had bought the property, renovated the house, and now operate a landscaping supply company called Stone Quarter.
It felt strange walking around the old place. A lot had changed. The house looked good. They had poured a lot of money into it that we could never have afforded to. The property was also cleared out to make room for all the stone and materials they sell. As Rossana and I are looking over the materials that will be used the owner comes over and introduces himself.
“Didn’t you guys used to live here?” he asks.
I was hoping he wouldn’t remember us. It felt kind of weird prowling around our old place and we’d been unhappy to move.
“Uh, yeah. It was quite a while ago.”
“So you’re the guys who left a bed of nails behind in the basement.”
I had completely forgotten about that. The first bed I’d built for the Sloan Gypsies troupe had been way overbuilt. It was too large and too heavy to take so we’d left it behind as a gift. Of course, he didn’t know that I used to perform with a Gypsy troupe. I could see how this might look like something completely different to him. Freakers with swords on wall have kinky playtime dungeon in basement… oy
“Uh, yeah, well you see we had this performing troupe and…”.
“So did you guys bury the body too?” he asks, waving aside my explanation. For a moment I had no idea what he was talking about. Body?
“We were clearing out the back of the property three years ago with a bobcat and when the very first bucket of dirt comes up I see a skull sitting on top of it.”
I now begin to recall digging the hole for the coffin the night before the party. For several years after we moved away we wondered if they would ever find the grave. We just assumed the hole had filled up and the coffin had rotted away to nothing.
“Everybody freaked out and we called the police.”
“Police?” I asked, suddenly feeling very very uncomfortable.
“I mean, we find a skull buried behind the house. And we remembered about you guys and the bed of nails and my wife flipped out. She made me get the gun out of the safe and was ready to move out right then and there. “
“Ah, uh you see…” I stammered.
“So the cop shows up and the first thing he says is ‘That doesn’t look good’. He taped off the area and called in the detectives for a possible homicide. But then he looks at the skull kinda funny. ‘Turn it over’ he tells me. And I said ‘you’re the cop, you turn it over!’ and he says ‘I shouldn’t touch this if its evidence, but I have to be sure’. So he slowly turns it over and sees the mold marks. ‘It’s a fake’ he said and everybody breathed a huge sigh of relief. We used to keep it on a shelf in the office with a sign that said ‘Bad check writers beware’ until someone stole it.”
Everyone was now looking at me.
“I’m… sorry about that. It was a sort of Halloween party thing.” Telling him the entire storyline for the party would take half and hour. I cut to the chase. “I hope the police weren’t too upset.”
“Oh no, it was a hoot once we knew it wasn’t a real dead body. Besides, there aren’t a lot of murders in North Olmsted so the cops and the detectives hung around and compared notes and talked about how they would handle it if it were real. They even found some scraps of material and a shoe. They seemed pleased as punch that they got to use some detecting skills.”
Scott eventually delivered the stone personally to our house. After having a look around he said “How come it doesn’t surprise me that you guys now live in a Hobbit-hole house?”
I held several theme parties at the house that were a lot of fun. One of the last ones was a kind of scavenger hunt involving stealing headstones from graveyards (they weren’t real headstones, relax) and locating an old family burial plot behind the house.
I had an old style coffin made and constructed a crude skeletal body for it. The party went off without a hitch but the next day it rained and the grave I had dug filled up with water. We left it alone since it was in the far back of the property and forgot about it. Two years later the landlady sells the house and we have to move right around Christmas. Not fun.
Flash forward 7 years. We decide to get stone steps put in at the new house to replace the rotting wooden ones. The guy doing the work asks us to come see the stone in person to give final approval and send us, by complete coincidence, to our old house. The buyers had bought the property, renovated the house, and now operate a landscaping supply company called Stone Quarter.
It felt strange walking around the old place. A lot had changed. The house looked good. They had poured a lot of money into it that we could never have afforded to. The property was also cleared out to make room for all the stone and materials they sell. As Rossana and I are looking over the materials that will be used the owner comes over and introduces himself.
“Didn’t you guys used to live here?” he asks.
I was hoping he wouldn’t remember us. It felt kind of weird prowling around our old place and we’d been unhappy to move.
“Uh, yeah. It was quite a while ago.”
“So you’re the guys who left a bed of nails behind in the basement.”
I had completely forgotten about that. The first bed I’d built for the Sloan Gypsies troupe had been way overbuilt. It was too large and too heavy to take so we’d left it behind as a gift. Of course, he didn’t know that I used to perform with a Gypsy troupe. I could see how this might look like something completely different to him. Freakers with swords on wall have kinky playtime dungeon in basement… oy
“Uh, yeah, well you see we had this performing troupe and…”.
“So did you guys bury the body too?” he asks, waving aside my explanation. For a moment I had no idea what he was talking about. Body?
“We were clearing out the back of the property three years ago with a bobcat and when the very first bucket of dirt comes up I see a skull sitting on top of it.”
I now begin to recall digging the hole for the coffin the night before the party. For several years after we moved away we wondered if they would ever find the grave. We just assumed the hole had filled up and the coffin had rotted away to nothing.
“Everybody freaked out and we called the police.”
“Police?” I asked, suddenly feeling very very uncomfortable.
“I mean, we find a skull buried behind the house. And we remembered about you guys and the bed of nails and my wife flipped out. She made me get the gun out of the safe and was ready to move out right then and there. “
“Ah, uh you see…” I stammered.
“So the cop shows up and the first thing he says is ‘That doesn’t look good’. He taped off the area and called in the detectives for a possible homicide. But then he looks at the skull kinda funny. ‘Turn it over’ he tells me. And I said ‘you’re the cop, you turn it over!’ and he says ‘I shouldn’t touch this if its evidence, but I have to be sure’. So he slowly turns it over and sees the mold marks. ‘It’s a fake’ he said and everybody breathed a huge sigh of relief. We used to keep it on a shelf in the office with a sign that said ‘Bad check writers beware’ until someone stole it.”
Everyone was now looking at me.
“I’m… sorry about that. It was a sort of Halloween party thing.” Telling him the entire storyline for the party would take half and hour. I cut to the chase. “I hope the police weren’t too upset.”
“Oh no, it was a hoot once we knew it wasn’t a real dead body. Besides, there aren’t a lot of murders in North Olmsted so the cops and the detectives hung around and compared notes and talked about how they would handle it if it were real. They even found some scraps of material and a shoe. They seemed pleased as punch that they got to use some detecting skills.”
Scott eventually delivered the stone personally to our house. After having a look around he said “How come it doesn’t surprise me that you guys now live in a Hobbit-hole house?”
New project: Solar lantern
I found two nice looking lanterns at Big Lots. I have them hanging outside but rarely light them because its a hassle. But what if I converted to solarpower? I did a quick conversion using a cheap solar footlight with pretty good results. Click here to see the step by step process.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Lucas, the whore of Babylon
I know that marketing swag is part of the movie industry now. And I am not ashamed to admit that as a young tot, I indeed had Star Wars bedsheets. But this shit has got to stop.
What exactly IS the criteria for obtaining a Star Wars product license? Do you just have a dump truck pull up to Skywalker Ranch and dump a mass of the filthy green lucre in exchange for an a-okey-dokey from George or his toadies? Honestly, do they even look at this shit?
I've heard some really great stuff about the next film. I am geeked about it bit time. But you are stepping on my Star Wars buzz when you put out the Darth Tater Mr. Potatohead and have the M&M characters interacting with the Lord of the mutherfuckin Sith.
Thanks to The Big Red Monkey for the heads up on this.
What exactly IS the criteria for obtaining a Star Wars product license? Do you just have a dump truck pull up to Skywalker Ranch and dump a mass of the filthy green lucre in exchange for an a-okey-dokey from George or his toadies? Honestly, do they even look at this shit?
I've heard some really great stuff about the next film. I am geeked about it bit time. But you are stepping on my Star Wars buzz when you put out the Darth Tater Mr. Potatohead and have the M&M characters interacting with the Lord of the mutherfuckin Sith.
Thanks to The Big Red Monkey for the heads up on this.
Monday, May 09, 2005
If only Life imitated Art
Went to see "Kingdom of Heaven' tonight and enjoyed it quite a bit. Orlando did pretty good and the Syrian Actor who played Saladin was very good . It was also good to see Siddig el Fadil (now Alexander Siddig) from DS9 get a decent role. In fact there were many good smaller rolls in the film.
The movie certainly plays fast and loose with history. But people don't have the attention span to learn the details of this conflict. Of course, it doesn't help that the crusades took place over something like 200 years. Lots of details there. If you want some fact about the movie here you go. I also found a few interresting facts at the site of a person who certainly did not enjoy the movie.
The simple fact is that most if not all the parties concerned in the affair were cruel, bloodthirsty, powerhungry bastards. We already know that the Knights and pilgrims had various reasons for wanting Jerusalem ranging from drooling fanaticism to cold and calculating economics. But the Arabs were not all poets and sagely well-dressed men of wisdom. In listening to Amin Maaloufs 'A history of the Crusades through Muslim eyes' I learned that the Muslims could easily have repelled/defeated the first crusading armies but were too busy screwing each other over, or paying them off. At the time they were a group of individual kingdoms fighting for power and land. United under Saladin they were not always sagely and magnanymous. They did in fact wipe out everyone during a battle just 3 months before the events in the movie took place and although Jews and Christians could pray in Jerusalem they were often treated quite badly. These were men who were products of their timer though. And they were brutal times. I wonder what our excuse is now?
What I enjoyed most about the film was its visual style, its very natural feel. The costumes were simply amazing. This film didn't cut one corner or substitute more flashy looking armoror. Everything down to the shoes looked right. I even saw a European carrying a falchion (single edge) sword, which you never see in a movie even though it was a very popular style at the time. The battles looked absolutlely real. It makes you understand why you would want to surrender a city rather than withstand a prolonged siege.
Overall, I give it a "C-" for history and an "A" for style. Go check it out.
The movie certainly plays fast and loose with history. But people don't have the attention span to learn the details of this conflict. Of course, it doesn't help that the crusades took place over something like 200 years. Lots of details there. If you want some fact about the movie here you go. I also found a few interresting facts at the site of a person who certainly did not enjoy the movie.
The simple fact is that most if not all the parties concerned in the affair were cruel, bloodthirsty, powerhungry bastards. We already know that the Knights and pilgrims had various reasons for wanting Jerusalem ranging from drooling fanaticism to cold and calculating economics. But the Arabs were not all poets and sagely well-dressed men of wisdom. In listening to Amin Maaloufs 'A history of the Crusades through Muslim eyes' I learned that the Muslims could easily have repelled/defeated the first crusading armies but were too busy screwing each other over, or paying them off. At the time they were a group of individual kingdoms fighting for power and land. United under Saladin they were not always sagely and magnanymous. They did in fact wipe out everyone during a battle just 3 months before the events in the movie took place and although Jews and Christians could pray in Jerusalem they were often treated quite badly. These were men who were products of their timer though. And they were brutal times. I wonder what our excuse is now?
What I enjoyed most about the film was its visual style, its very natural feel. The costumes were simply amazing. This film didn't cut one corner or substitute more flashy looking armoror. Everything down to the shoes looked right. I even saw a European carrying a falchion (single edge) sword, which you never see in a movie even though it was a very popular style at the time. The battles looked absolutlely real. It makes you understand why you would want to surrender a city rather than withstand a prolonged siege.
Overall, I give it a "C-" for history and an "A" for style. Go check it out.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Seems perfectly reasonable to me
I know that we live in a world with rules. We can't just go around and do shit just because we want to can we? Of course not. But some times it just feels good to whip out a big ass sword and do some damage.
I know that swords should only be used to defeat evil warlords and dragons, sure. But sometimes a broadsword IS the answer to a minor disagreement.
Cops: Driver Defends Skills With Sword
NASHUA, N.H. (AP) -- A man is accused of defending his driving skills by pulling out a sword and popping a tire on another man's car.
Charles O'Neil, 36, was driving slowly on the Henri Burque Highway last Sunday when someone driving behind him became annoyed, honked his horn and passed him, police said.
When both vehicles stopped at a light, the two drivers got out and started an argument that ended with O'Neil allegedly pulled out a broadsword with a blade more than three feet long and telling the other driver, "I ought to run you through with this."
Police said O'Neil also pierced the other car's tires and then drove off.
He's been charged with criminal threatening and criminal mischief.
I know that swords should only be used to defeat evil warlords and dragons, sure. But sometimes a broadsword IS the answer to a minor disagreement.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
I'm with you guys
There are a million of these things out there on the internets. So I finally broke down and took one. It's a fun test, which is meant to show my ability to survive a zombie attack. Hey, that kind of info is important. What's wierd though is that I only got a 72% and my friend Cat got a 92%. That means she's more hard core than me. That's kinda fucked up. Here ya go:
| Official Survivor Congratulations! You scored 72%! |
Whether through ferocity or quickness, you made it out. You made the right choice most of the time, but you probably screwed up somewhere. Nobody's perfect, at least you're alive. |
 |
My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
| Link: The Zombie Scenario Survivor Test written by ci8db4uok on Ok Cupid |
Sunday, May 01, 2005
IFILM - Viral Videos: World of Warcraft with Leeroy
IFILM - Viral Videos: World of Warcraft with Leeroy
This is THE funniest thing I have ever seen. A quick google search with net you a higher quality downloadable version that you should burn to disk and send to random people.
This is THE funniest thing I have ever seen. A quick google search with net you a higher quality downloadable version that you should burn to disk and send to random people.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Bilbo didn't have to deal with this shit.
As you may or may not know. I live underground. The house is buried on three sides and the roof. This is not due to any severe paranoia about he guberment or aliens (I do sometimes wear a tin foil hat, but only as a fashion statement). This design has many advantages. For instance, when we lost power this winter, the house went down to a cool but very survivable 50 degrees. The down side is that I have a lawn for a roof and dirt on three sides of my house.
Last fall we found a leak along the back wall of the house. It wasn't gushing, but it was serious. I spent two weeks gutting my closet, scraping, acid cleaning and waterproofing the surface. But this is only a temporary fix.
When we bought the house I knew that the worst thing that could happen was to get a leak in the back wall, and what do you know, we got one. Do YOU know who to call to fix an Earth home? I didn't think so. I can't call a traditional roofer, and even an excavator is going in somewhat blind.
Today the guy who did some initial repairs to our underground secret escape passage came by to give us the good news. He can fix the wall. All he'll have to do is scrape off 1/3 of the roof, dig down 16 feet, plaster the entire wall and fill it in again. Oh, is that all? Keen. He gave us a price that involved more zeros than I feel comfortable writing here. Oh man. We feared this might happen. So we came up with a plan "B". This will involve scraping a good foot off the entire roof and laying down a rubber roofing sheet like ones used for large buildings like factories. The idea is to form a solid moisture barrier and then angle it to drain away from the house. We'll also need to add about 16 inches to the front face of the house and fill it with stone to prevent erosion and help with draining. The cost, about half of plan "A". Maybe.
Given a choice, there are other things I would prefer to spend the money on. For Christs sake there is an frelling X-wing fighter for sale just one post down! Go look at it! I think about this repair and start second guessing myself. Last year had a freakish about of rain. My repair hasn't leaked yet. But what if we damage some as-yet unseen (but critical) part of the house? My head starts to hurt. I sit down and have a soda. Ah, that's better. Ooo, cookies...
I love my house. But it keeps hitting me with questions I don't have answers to. The original design was sound. But 20+ years of Ohio weather has washed some of the top soil away and created ruts and channels and water seems to be draining incorrectly. With luck, this fix will keep the house nice and dry for another 20 years. I'm told the life expectancy of some shingled roofs is 10-20 years.
The bright spot in my day was actually finishing one project completely. We've been putting in new stone walkways and that left us with a bunch of old, fairly crappy sandstone. I pulled it up, hauled it over to a tree, chiseled down the pieces, built a wall around the base of the tree, cleared the old crap out from around the tree, hacked out 20 pounds of weed roots with an axe and put in new soil. It took three days, but you know what? I did it. I did the damn thing myself start to finish (well, Rossana did help with the roots, she likes rending). It feels so good to see something get done and actually look better that it was before. How proud am I? Check out these before and after pics.
It almost looks like I know what I'm doing.
Last fall we found a leak along the back wall of the house. It wasn't gushing, but it was serious. I spent two weeks gutting my closet, scraping, acid cleaning and waterproofing the surface. But this is only a temporary fix.
When we bought the house I knew that the worst thing that could happen was to get a leak in the back wall, and what do you know, we got one. Do YOU know who to call to fix an Earth home? I didn't think so. I can't call a traditional roofer, and even an excavator is going in somewhat blind.
Today the guy who did some initial repairs to our underground secret escape passage came by to give us the good news. He can fix the wall. All he'll have to do is scrape off 1/3 of the roof, dig down 16 feet, plaster the entire wall and fill it in again. Oh, is that all? Keen. He gave us a price that involved more zeros than I feel comfortable writing here. Oh man. We feared this might happen. So we came up with a plan "B". This will involve scraping a good foot off the entire roof and laying down a rubber roofing sheet like ones used for large buildings like factories. The idea is to form a solid moisture barrier and then angle it to drain away from the house. We'll also need to add about 16 inches to the front face of the house and fill it with stone to prevent erosion and help with draining. The cost, about half of plan "A". Maybe.
Given a choice, there are other things I would prefer to spend the money on. For Christs sake there is an frelling X-wing fighter for sale just one post down! Go look at it! I think about this repair and start second guessing myself. Last year had a freakish about of rain. My repair hasn't leaked yet. But what if we damage some as-yet unseen (but critical) part of the house? My head starts to hurt. I sit down and have a soda. Ah, that's better. Ooo, cookies...
I love my house. But it keeps hitting me with questions I don't have answers to. The original design was sound. But 20+ years of Ohio weather has washed some of the top soil away and created ruts and channels and water seems to be draining incorrectly. With luck, this fix will keep the house nice and dry for another 20 years. I'm told the life expectancy of some shingled roofs is 10-20 years.
The bright spot in my day was actually finishing one project completely. We've been putting in new stone walkways and that left us with a bunch of old, fairly crappy sandstone. I pulled it up, hauled it over to a tree, chiseled down the pieces, built a wall around the base of the tree, cleared the old crap out from around the tree, hacked out 20 pounds of weed roots with an axe and put in new soil. It took three days, but you know what? I did it. I did the damn thing myself start to finish (well, Rossana did help with the roots, she likes rending). It feels so good to see something get done and actually look better that it was before. How proud am I? Check out these before and after pics.
It almost looks like I know what I'm doing.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Oh sweet Jesus...
When I was about 7 or 8 years old I went to see Star Wars and it quite frankly, blew me away. Until then there had NEVER been ANY SciFi film with such amazing visuals. When I got home I found a big box of some kind and made my own x-wing fighter. I used a bent coathanger for the controls and the pegs from my lite brite.
Now the circle is complete. A full size x-wing is for sale on ebay. I know in my heart that the ownership of things cannut buy true happiness. I know that such a purchase is a foolheardy and impractical thing. I have no where to put an x-wing...
That said. GIMMIEGIMMIEGIMMIEGIMMIEGIMMIEGIMMIEGIMMIEGIMMIEGIMMIE!!
Buy this for me and I will have a baby, so that I can name it after you.
Now the circle is complete. A full size x-wing is for sale on ebay. I know in my heart that the ownership of things cannut buy true happiness. I know that such a purchase is a foolheardy and impractical thing. I have no where to put an x-wing...
That said. GIMMIEGIMMIEGIMMIEGIMMIEGIMMIEGIMMIEGIMMIEGIMMIEGIMMIE!!
Buy this for me and I will have a baby, so that I can name it after you.
Monday, April 25, 2005
Too f*cking funny
The personals section in the 'London Review of Books' magazine is far more clever and witty than anything I have ever seen here in the US. An example:
Take a look for yourself. It's a hoot AND a hollar.
Massive-breasted heiress, 38, seeks witty Nobel-awarded intellectual beef-cake gardener-chef-poet with stonking pecs. Like me, you are dynamic, hilarious, serious, ironic, passionate, practical, affectionate, kind, funny, have most of your own legs, and are startled to find yourself still cruising the aisles of the Lurve Bazaar. Unlike me, you don’t exist. Am I right? If so, will consider any M who can make conversation, sense, a living, friends, four cooked meals, hot love and me laugh. Box no. 07/01
Take a look for yourself. It's a hoot AND a hollar.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Klingon Korset Kon
Or should I say "Khaaaaaaaaaan!"
No, I shouldn't.
Two weeks ago a fellow huckster at Vulkon told me about the Dover Peace Conference. This local event is dedicated mostly to Klingons and things er...Kling...ish. It had all the features of being a complete waste of time.
-Fan Run
-No guests
-Trek Theme (Trek is withering on the vine)
-Low attendance
But it did have one attractive feature, it was cheap, AND they let us in only a few days before the con. So it was with a sense of apprehension that I loaded the van at an ungodly hour of the morning Saturday and drove to a Holiday Inn south of Akron.
When we arrived, the dealers room was locked and the sign-in table for the con was empty. Several bleary eyed people told us that this was likely due to the very heavy drinking that had taken place last night. Apparently, the Klingons had held a viewing/performance of 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'.
I would honestly have paid money to see that.
The dealers room was soon opened and we set up. Then we waited. And waited. There were only about four other merchants in the room. More bleary eyed Klingons began stumbling through the room. We started generating interest. But we always generate interest. We were told that Klingons don't spend a lot of money, it takes away from booze money. But every fan group does have at least 1 whale. A customer who will spend whatever it takes to get something they want. We just had to find the whale.
The whale showed up at around noon. He was not dressed as a Klingon. But he did buy $500 worth of stuff without batting an eye. The gentleman buys a new outfit for his wife every year for Dragon Con. Bless you sir. But he was a guppy compared to the next fellow who came down with his two lady friends. After a flurry of try ons he purchases three complete outfits. Me very happy, do little dance.
After this we have along talk with a very tall woman who is very enamored with the spiked leather corset Rossana is wearing. In fact, Rossana looks stunning. She is easily one of the smallest women at the con and wears a corset well. The woman orders the corset. By 5pm the dealers room is shut down so we can have a break during the banquet. It was scheduled to re-open at 8 and to close at Midnight but we were exhausted. Three sales doesn't sound like a lot but for every sale there are a dozen try ons and lots of social chatter. In the end, I was very happy with the day. The event organizer was very happy with us and the women were very happy with their corsets. All way right with the world and we drove home.
The Klingons turned out to be a very nice crowd and I will likely do the event next year. If you know someone who has a head lobster fetish, you might want to let them know about this little shindig. They'll thank you for it, or give you a head but. Which is pretty much the same thing.
No, I shouldn't.
Two weeks ago a fellow huckster at Vulkon told me about the Dover Peace Conference. This local event is dedicated mostly to Klingons and things er...Kling...ish. It had all the features of being a complete waste of time.
-Fan Run
-No guests
-Trek Theme (Trek is withering on the vine)
-Low attendance
But it did have one attractive feature, it was cheap, AND they let us in only a few days before the con. So it was with a sense of apprehension that I loaded the van at an ungodly hour of the morning Saturday and drove to a Holiday Inn south of Akron.
When we arrived, the dealers room was locked and the sign-in table for the con was empty. Several bleary eyed people told us that this was likely due to the very heavy drinking that had taken place last night. Apparently, the Klingons had held a viewing/performance of 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'.
I would honestly have paid money to see that.
The dealers room was soon opened and we set up. Then we waited. And waited. There were only about four other merchants in the room. More bleary eyed Klingons began stumbling through the room. We started generating interest. But we always generate interest. We were told that Klingons don't spend a lot of money, it takes away from booze money. But every fan group does have at least 1 whale. A customer who will spend whatever it takes to get something they want. We just had to find the whale.
The whale showed up at around noon. He was not dressed as a Klingon. But he did buy $500 worth of stuff without batting an eye. The gentleman buys a new outfit for his wife every year for Dragon Con. Bless you sir. But he was a guppy compared to the next fellow who came down with his two lady friends. After a flurry of try ons he purchases three complete outfits. Me very happy, do little dance.
After this we have along talk with a very tall woman who is very enamored with the spiked leather corset Rossana is wearing. In fact, Rossana looks stunning. She is easily one of the smallest women at the con and wears a corset well. The woman orders the corset. By 5pm the dealers room is shut down so we can have a break during the banquet. It was scheduled to re-open at 8 and to close at Midnight but we were exhausted. Three sales doesn't sound like a lot but for every sale there are a dozen try ons and lots of social chatter. In the end, I was very happy with the day. The event organizer was very happy with us and the women were very happy with their corsets. All way right with the world and we drove home.
The Klingons turned out to be a very nice crowd and I will likely do the event next year. If you know someone who has a head lobster fetish, you might want to let them know about this little shindig. They'll thank you for it, or give you a head but. Which is pretty much the same thing.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
From cool to suck in 2.3 seconds
Things seemed to be going so well. Spring had arrived, I personally dressed Claudia Christian in a corset and I was making some money. Then, someone turned the knob on the dial of my life from 'groovy' to 'suck' to 'waaaaay suck'. Let me 'splain.
When you see me at a con, or a Ren Faire, doing my thing. That's the easy part. Even when its 37 frickin degrees and the wind is attempting to transport both me and my tent to the land of fucking Oz, THAT is still the easy part. The hard part is all the shit that has to get done to get me there, set up and ready to rock. I spend far too many hours searching the internets and various publications to find venues for my business to sell at. Once I find a show that I've never done before, I need to check its website, determine if it looks promising, check its date, see what media guests (if any) are attending. How much is the fee? How far away is it? I spend a crapload of time doing this stuff so that I don't waste time and money doing a show like the Four Winds Ren Fair in Tyler Texas (The Gold fucking standard for suck-ass shows and my greatest mistake).
Luckily, once you've done a show and its turns out well, you know to keep it in mind for next year. Such was the case with Marcon. I've attended for years and last year we did good sales. I was keen to do it again this year. The trouble is, you need to keep track not only of the show dates, but the various dates you need to have paperwork and payments submitted by. I dutifully submitted my application and vendor fee back in February but was getting antsy that I'd heard nothing back. Now I know why. It appears that I submitted my application 2 weeks too late. They would have told me this but they also seem to have LOST MY APPLICATION AND CHECK.
Now I have a pretty big hole in my schedule. It's likely too late to get into another convention at this late a date. I'm scrambling to find something. I've pickled up a Klingon event near Akron this weekend but its a crap shoot. I have no one to blame but myself and that is a pretty shitty feeling.
In a last ditch Hail Mary I am contacting other merchants at Marcon to see if any of them will sell me one of their tables. I have a lead. It might cost me a corset (as an incentive/bribe) but its worth a shot. Keep your fingers crossed.
When you see me at a con, or a Ren Faire, doing my thing. That's the easy part. Even when its 37 frickin degrees and the wind is attempting to transport both me and my tent to the land of fucking Oz, THAT is still the easy part. The hard part is all the shit that has to get done to get me there, set up and ready to rock. I spend far too many hours searching the internets and various publications to find venues for my business to sell at. Once I find a show that I've never done before, I need to check its website, determine if it looks promising, check its date, see what media guests (if any) are attending. How much is the fee? How far away is it? I spend a crapload of time doing this stuff so that I don't waste time and money doing a show like the Four Winds Ren Fair in Tyler Texas (The Gold fucking standard for suck-ass shows and my greatest mistake).
Luckily, once you've done a show and its turns out well, you know to keep it in mind for next year. Such was the case with Marcon. I've attended for years and last year we did good sales. I was keen to do it again this year. The trouble is, you need to keep track not only of the show dates, but the various dates you need to have paperwork and payments submitted by. I dutifully submitted my application and vendor fee back in February but was getting antsy that I'd heard nothing back. Now I know why. It appears that I submitted my application 2 weeks too late. They would have told me this but they also seem to have LOST MY APPLICATION AND CHECK.
Now I have a pretty big hole in my schedule. It's likely too late to get into another convention at this late a date. I'm scrambling to find something. I've pickled up a Klingon event near Akron this weekend but its a crap shoot. I have no one to blame but myself and that is a pretty shitty feeling.
In a last ditch Hail Mary I am contacting other merchants at Marcon to see if any of them will sell me one of their tables. I have a lead. It might cost me a corset (as an incentive/bribe) but its worth a shot. Keep your fingers crossed.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Perks of the Job
Sometimes my job is not the glamorous, action-adventure film I make it out to be. Sometimes I am stuck in Muskogee Oklahoma for a month slowly going mad. Or desperately erecting a tent in the rain at 6am to replace the one destroyed by a storm.
But sometime it IS the glamorous, action-adventure film I make it out to be. Sometimes it DOES NOT SUCK to be me. Case in point:
Last weekend was Vulkon, a rather small Sci-Fi convention held in a non-descript Holiday Inn in independence Ohio, This was an autograph show. The event owners bring in 2 or 3 big names. Fans pay a good chunk of cash to get in a long line, buy a photo from the Con and get it signed by the star. You get no time to talk with them and cannot have them sign your own item.
My lovely wife and I are working the dealers room. Most vendors are not doing well. Attendance is down. No one seems to be buying. Could it have anything to do with the fact that there isn't one goddamn hand made item for sale? Everything is officially licensed Paramount or Star Wars bubble-plastic crapulence. Much of it is being discounted so the dealers can make table fee.
We on the other hand are doing ok. After all, we sell very hot corsets. At the end of the day we begin getting ready to close up and head home when a voice says from behind me "I'm in trouble, and I was told you guys could help me out."
I turned and found myself looking into the beautiful eyes of Ms. Claudia Christian. For those of you who are unfamiliar, she is the actress who played Commander Ivonova in the very cool series Babylon 5. In case you can't remember what she looks like, here is a refresher:
Of course, she didn't wear such an outfit on the show, it is meant only to make you hate me more than you may already. (BTW, you can buy this image and several others here)
As a former butler I am trained to be unflappable so I maintained most of my cool when I replied "Certainly, how may we be of assistance?"
Apparently she had thought she was flying out that night, but her contract called for her to attend a banquet at the hotel and she had 'nothing to wear'. We quickly sprang into action and provided a lovely corset and shirt to replace the rather plain shirt and hoodie she was wearing. This required her to remove these items which was done with the assistance of my wife as I discretely turned my back. (The dealers room was almost empty by this time). As I finished tying her up I suggested she pull down on the shirt we had provided to better show off her figure but she was already ahead of me. "I've been to enough ren-faires to know what to do" she said.
Claudia goes to Ren-fairs! Glee!
She was very funny and quite personable during her fitting and we sent her off to the banquet in good spirits. Did I get a photo of this amazing event? Oh course not! I am an idiot and did not have my camera. I pound my head against the table.
'So you have no proof that this actually happened. Is that what you're saying Steve?'
Oh you cowardly non-believers! The next morning I took my camera, but alas, she was gone. The corset and shirt were left on our table with the following note:
Apparently her flight left fairly early. I have minions working to locate any pictures taken of her in the outfit. If I locate any I will post them here. Several women did in fact show up on Sunday saying Claudia gave them our card including an very pretty young woman from New Zealand named Mary Oyaya who plays one of the Jedi in the Star Wars movies. (you can see the her and the guests in attendance here) She should be ordering a corset in the next week or so.
But sometime it IS the glamorous, action-adventure film I make it out to be. Sometimes it DOES NOT SUCK to be me. Case in point:
Last weekend was Vulkon, a rather small Sci-Fi convention held in a non-descript Holiday Inn in independence Ohio, This was an autograph show. The event owners bring in 2 or 3 big names. Fans pay a good chunk of cash to get in a long line, buy a photo from the Con and get it signed by the star. You get no time to talk with them and cannot have them sign your own item.
My lovely wife and I are working the dealers room. Most vendors are not doing well. Attendance is down. No one seems to be buying. Could it have anything to do with the fact that there isn't one goddamn hand made item for sale? Everything is officially licensed Paramount or Star Wars bubble-plastic crapulence. Much of it is being discounted so the dealers can make table fee.
We on the other hand are doing ok. After all, we sell very hot corsets. At the end of the day we begin getting ready to close up and head home when a voice says from behind me "I'm in trouble, and I was told you guys could help me out."
I turned and found myself looking into the beautiful eyes of Ms. Claudia Christian. For those of you who are unfamiliar, she is the actress who played Commander Ivonova in the very cool series Babylon 5. In case you can't remember what she looks like, here is a refresher:
Of course, she didn't wear such an outfit on the show, it is meant only to make you hate me more than you may already. (BTW, you can buy this image and several others here)
As a former butler I am trained to be unflappable so I maintained most of my cool when I replied "Certainly, how may we be of assistance?"
Apparently she had thought she was flying out that night, but her contract called for her to attend a banquet at the hotel and she had 'nothing to wear'. We quickly sprang into action and provided a lovely corset and shirt to replace the rather plain shirt and hoodie she was wearing. This required her to remove these items which was done with the assistance of my wife as I discretely turned my back. (The dealers room was almost empty by this time). As I finished tying her up I suggested she pull down on the shirt we had provided to better show off her figure but she was already ahead of me. "I've been to enough ren-faires to know what to do" she said.
Claudia goes to Ren-fairs! Glee!
She was very funny and quite personable during her fitting and we sent her off to the banquet in good spirits. Did I get a photo of this amazing event? Oh course not! I am an idiot and did not have my camera. I pound my head against the table.
'So you have no proof that this actually happened. Is that what you're saying Steve?'
Oh you cowardly non-believers! The next morning I took my camera, but alas, she was gone. The corset and shirt were left on our table with the following note:
Apparently her flight left fairly early. I have minions working to locate any pictures taken of her in the outfit. If I locate any I will post them here. Several women did in fact show up on Sunday saying Claudia gave them our card including an very pretty young woman from New Zealand named Mary Oyaya who plays one of the Jedi in the Star Wars movies. (you can see the her and the guests in attendance here) She should be ordering a corset in the next week or so.
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