Being a man is not as complex as many make it out to be.While there are some subtleties we are, as a rule, pretty simple. We generally like certain things (boobs, fast things, explosions) and dislike others (ballet, cleaning gutters).
So when a tree blew over a few weeks back, I knew what I had to do. Cut that fucker up. For when you cut up a tree, you get firewood. Firewood is for fires, another thing men are compelled to make (Under Man Rule #5). I went out to the barn and took out my beat up Homelite 240 chainsaw and with a few pulls, it fired right up. I hacked up the tree into several large pieces before I got tired, or distracted or something. I left the job about half done (Man Rule #18).
Today I went out intent to finish the job. So of course the chain saw would not start. I pulled till I was blue in the face. Then I twiddled with the few knobs I could (Man Rule #25) Nothing. A reasonable person might be expected to try to find out why it wouldn't start. I am a (semi) reasonable person. A quick google offered no real help. CHAINSAW NO GO could have any cause. There are hundreds of possibilities. I looked at 2 (Guy Rule # 35) and walked away.
Once again, a reasonable person might consider taking it to a repair guy. But Guy Rule #13 states that you better break out the tools first. Even if you have no fracking clue what you are doing you are obliged to use at least 4 tools (#37). It doesn't really matter what you do with them, only that you used them in the shop. I downloaded the owners manual off the web. Cleaned the air filter. Checked the fuel filter. Adjusted Hi and Lo screws. Fresh fuel. Cleaned spark plug.
Now I smell like gas and oil. It is a good smell. A manly smell.
With everything adjusted and topped off I yank the pull cord. She fires up like a kitten. And by fires up I mean it somehow managed to NOT work even MORE, which makes no sense unless you are a guy holding a lump of metal with a string on it that yesterday was a chainsaw.
AT this point I have to give up. It isn't broken. I know this. But it doesn't matter. It's off to the shop. Do you know what they will do there? "Clean and adjust". Oh and charge me $60. Do you know what they will actually do to it? Tap it with a fucking magic wand is what. A magic wand that costs $60. I suspect there aren't actually any tools in the back room of my local repair shop. Only an array of wands. They have wands that range from $40 to $120. I'm sure my auto mechanic also has a magic wand but he only has the one that costs me $300 every time he waves it.
It doesn't matter. I have fulfilled my obligations to the Code. Now if you will excuse me I must try to get the smell of gas and oil off me as I'm getting dizzy.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
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