Friday, February 04, 2005

Sweet Jesus I can't take it!

Why WHY must there be so much coolness in this world??? In case tanks and missile launchers for sale on ebay aren't enough for you, some guy has made a heavily armed, armored, flame-throwing herse!!!

The site is being pounded right now, so you might want to come back in a day or two to oogle the evil goodness. There are even instructions for building your own flame thrower. From the site:

The most common reaction I get (aside from the goat fuckers who always yell out "Ghostbusters!" when I drive by, and yes, they are goat fuckers, don't fool yourself) is "Isn't that dangerous? Having combustible gas on your roof?" to which I have to give a little PSA on propane.

Propane is actually pretty damned safe, at least as safe as you get when you are in the market of 15 foot fireballs. Propane, hydrocarbon C3H8, requires a combustion point of at least 940 degrees. Gasoline on the other hand has a combustion point of 430 degrees, and a Cadillac tank holds some 30 gallons of this stuff. If my car ever did get to a temperature of 940 degrees, I somehow gather that my problems are going to be much bigger than a ruptured propane tank.

This is the kind of shit that makes this the greatest country on the face of the earth. (snif)

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Keen - I can make art!

I have a lot of funny to give, but it is trapped in an artistically crippled body. Every day I think up cartoons that are so goddamn funny I literally piss myself with uncontrollable laughter. But these comics can't get out of my head. These hands, these horrible hands...I curse them.

But now I don't need talent! Thanks to this clever site, I can make my own funny 3-panel picture-type comics for the amusemnent of myself and (presumably) others. Try it out and then send the results to your friends...or enemies.

The site doesn't seem to let you save the finished work (it's composed of multiple images) but a quick ALT + PrtScr can capture the page for later editing. There are also a few other clever creative programs for you to play with. Joy!

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Another cool thing I need

Sometime I am afraid of my own greed. To be biblical, my covetousness. I want shit. Lots of it. I don't need it all, I just think some shit is so cool that I should be the one to posess it. I am not rude, I would certainly share the joy of my stuff with others. But at the end of the day, it should be mine.

In witness therof here is the link to a goddamn X-box that some clever monkeys modded into a 1970 Millenium Falcon toy. Clever monkeys indeed...

What Democracy means to Me...

From the late, great Jonny Carson:

To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation. Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds. Democracy is having time set aside to worship — 18 years if you're Jim Bakker.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress. Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto — usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.

Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer. Democracy means our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts of campaign contributors.

Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve. Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It's a tradeoff. Democracy means free television. Not good television, but free.

Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.

Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.

And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head. This signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

I thank you.