Saturday, June 09, 2007

A waste of air...

I am going to spend a moment to talk about Paris Hilton. That's right. Paris Hilton. I didn't want to. But I am forced by events to comment on this walking bag of uselessness.

I was happily minding my own business, checking CNN to see the news of the day. There's lots going on in the world and I was hoping for some updates. How's the G8 summit going? Will the shuttle launch on time? Is Alberto Gonzales out of a job yet? But I couldn't get any information about these news items because Paris Fucking Hilton was there in all her file footage glory. I waited, but that sack of antlers wouldn't go away. Why not? I actually tuned in my brain for a moment.

It seems that Paris was going to jail. Why? Well apparently she was busted for DUI. She got probation, a fine and had to take a class. Then she got caught driving on a suspended license. They she was pulled over for doing 70 in a 35 zone while STILL suspended.

So a judge said,"You going to jail" and sentenced her to 45 days in the pokey. According to her loyal friends and fans, this was akin to sending her to Gitmo. She showed up, spent four days in jail, and was released, supposedly for "medical reasons" and would apparently serve the rest of her 45 days under house arrest.

I'd like to take a moment to clarify some things. First. It's very likely she would only spend 23 days in jail. The jails are very crowded in California and they was to save space for the violent offenders. Two. For anyone worried she was being raped or at risk of being shived. She wasn't. She was in a segregated section reserved for celebrities, police, politicians or anyone else is likely to be hassled while serving time.

By now you're saying "What the fuck?" and rightly so. The judge wasn't very pleased either and had her hauled back to court this morning. After that, she was thrown back in the pokey for the full 45 days.

I will admit that at this point, I'm hooked. I want to know what happens next to Paris Hilton. You've won, mass media. I can't help it. What should have been a simple life lesson about why we shouldn't drink and drive, and drive... and drive... has turned into a fiasco.

There is some confusion about who has authority with regards to early prisoner release. It may be that the sheriff has a certain amount of discretion in these cases. But the judge had specifically stated that she wouldn't be getting off with a suspended sentence, or house arrest. The prosecutor asked the judge if maybe the sheriff was in contempt of court. That's pretty serious. The prosecutors office fielded hundreds of angry calls and emails about this bullshit, and rightly so.

Luckily the judges order seems to be the final word. She's in jail and will remain there. She was apparently in tears and they took her from the courtroom saying "It's not fair!" and calling for her "Mommy".

I would like to point out that I have no problem with the segregated accommodations she got. And I am not so cold that I would insist a sick person remain imprisoned without medical attention. If she's sick, get her a doctor. If she's unhappy, well that's just too fucking bad. Jail isn't Disneyland.

And crying and screaming for her mom? This woman is 26 years old. Show some fortitude. You'll live. Consider growing up.

I am curious to know exactly how this situation went from routine to fucked up so fast.

It's easy at this point to swing right into a rant about what a stupid, spoiled rich slut she is. But I will refrain. It's wrong to hang your morals on someone else. Yes, she recorded herself having sex and then marketed it herself. Where some would se an opportunistic slut, others would see a market savvy entrepreneur. Maybe her parents have a more European view about sex. Fair enough. And her drug use? Same thing. Neither of my parents has berated me upon learning that I tried marijuana. Of course, that's all I have tried. Paris Hilton parents must be VERY European to be cool with cocaine, heroin or bulimia.

And it's certainly not a requirement that you do something useful with your life and the millions you get just for existing. It's weird. Paris stands there and is a beloved celebutante. Bill Gates has given away BILLIONS for charitable causes and is still viewed as the Antichrist.

So your life consists of a TV show that repeatedly shows you to be vapid, shallow and stupid. You are paid to be pretty. You incessantly party. You take drugs and engage in videotaped sex. You use racist terms a lot when you think people aren't watching.


It's your life. But once you get behind the wheel of a car drunk, you've crossed a line. And when you ignore the rules and reality in general, you cross another line. So when you get sent to jail for breaking the law, you really have no reason to complain. You had your chance. You blew it. Sorry you got dicked around for a day, but oh well. Lot's of people get dicked around by the legal system every day. Some people spend years in jail on false evidence. Shit happens. You'll get over it kid.

This won't stop the circus of course. There are high priced attorneys to be hired, tearful interviews with her parents, lawsuits to be filed, scandalous tabloids to be printed. Protests, online petitions and a swarm of media gnats buzzing around every aspect of this case like flies around shit.

In all of this I really can't but wonder about the parents. I know parents love their children, even their fucked up ones. They often love and support them, even when they do stupid, illegal and morally questionable things. But at some point you have to realise you've fucked up. Yes, she may be genetically defective. But you raised her and so the finger points mostly to you. Maybe shielding her from the world isn't the answer guys. Maybe she needs to learn her lesson. It doesn't mean you don't love her. It just mean you won't be her enablers.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog

Wednesday, June 06, 2007


Although I do not have the hefty chunk of Krugerands they want for these, I am nevertheless covetous of them. Maybe someday when I crack the secret of turning lead into gold I shall buy all three. Until then, I shall be content with watching this cracking good commercial: