Friday, March 26, 2010

Another dark confession

As a pretty ironclad rule, I do not give a flying fuck about celebrities or gossip. But I cannot help but watch the slow motion train wreck that is the life of Jessie James.

Jesse is a high end chopper builder out in California. Discovery did a few shows on him, kicking off the whole absurd chopper craze. This led to his show "Monster Garage" where teams of fabricators had a week to build some bizarre contraption like a hearse/backhoe or a Delorian hovercraft. I liked the show because it required that people think, design and create under a deadline. Yes, there was some drama, but that was second to the project. Now most shows are all about the drama. They can't get enough of people doing stupid things and screaming at each other like harpies.

Time passes,the show is over and I don't hear much about Jesse until I learn that he married Sandra Bullock. Ok, that seems a little weird. But opposites sometimes attract. And it's not as if she can't know that he's been married before and screwed that up.

Flash forward to the academy awards and Mrs. Bullock gets the Oscar for a film I didn't see. Good for her. I've liked some of her work. She doesn't seem to have gone off the rails like some people in Hollywood do.

Then the big shocker, Jesse had an affair with another woman. A heavily tattooed fetish model. Wow. Well, looking at her she seems to have some common interests with Jesse. Then it turned out that she might be a white supremacist. (The jury is still out on that). Oooooookay. You cheat on your beautiful and supportive wife with a woman who seems to have some issues to put it mildly.

But all is not lost. Many couples have worked through this kind of thing before. Hillary forgave Bill right? Maybe she bangs the pool guy to even things up. Or counselling. Whatever. Then another heavily tattooed stripper arrives on the scene. "I've been sleeping with him for two years!" she proudly crows as soon as the check clears. Dude, this is not helping.

But wait, there's now a THIRD woman who says she's been banging him (although she doesn't seem to have any tattoos so I'm not sure she can be trusted, (except for all the text messages she has as proof).

Okay, at this point I don't think you have much of a chance to fix things Jesse. One might wonder why Sandra didn't notice her husband cheating with enough woman to make up a rugby team. But Hollywood is a strange place where the laws of time and space do not apply. Celebrities are constantly doing interviews, travelling to promote themselves, doing 'deals', taking meetings and occasionally... working. So I'll give her some slack. They are busy people.

The fault here lies with Jesse, and he knows it. He doesn't seem like a bad guy really. He opened an environmentally friendly burger joint (whatever that means) does community work and his employees seem to like him. But he is a fuck up with regards to the institution of marriage. Why on Earth did he ever think it was a good idea to get married again? One of his wives tried to stab him while he was in the hospital. You have to be some special kind of dick to inspire that kind of crazy.
It might be that Sandra didn't want a casual relationship and insisted on marriage. At the exact moment she stated this he should have said "I understand your point of view, but I habitually cheat on women, I bid you good day" and walked out. Thus, denying the gossip magazines of millions of dollars of revenue and preventing me from feeling dirty every time I read some new sordid detail in this Greek tragedy.

Some people are fuckups. This doesn't mean they are totally evil or useless. Jesse makes some cool looking choppers. He likes women. Fine. Stick with your strengths and stay away from the whole marriage thing. The whole monogamy thing doesn't seem like your forte'. That's fine, the world does not think ill of men who have sex with several women. You should have stayed single. It would have saved Mrs. Bullock a lot of heartache and legal fees divorcing your ass.

Okay, I'm done.