From cool to suck in 2.3 seconds

Things seemed to be going so well. Spring had arrived, I personally dressed Claudia Christian in a corset and I was making some money. Then, someone turned the knob on the dial of my life from 'groovy' to 'suck' to 'waaaaay suck'. Let me 'splain.

When you see me at a con, or a Ren Faire, doing my thing. That's the easy part. Even when its 37 frickin degrees and the wind is attempting to transport both me and my tent to the land of fucking Oz, THAT is still the easy part. The hard part is all the shit that has to get done to get me there, set up and ready to rock. I spend far too many hours searching the internets and various publications to find venues for my business to sell at. Once I find a show that I've never done before, I need to check its website, determine if it looks promising, check its date, see what media guests (if any) are attending. How much is the fee? How far away is it? I spend a crapload of time doing this stuff so that I don't waste time and money doing a show like the Four Winds Ren Fair in Tyler Texas (The Gold fucking standard for suck-ass shows and my greatest mistake).

Luckily, once you've done a show and its turns out well, you know to keep it in mind for next year. Such was the case with Marcon. I've attended for years and last year we did good sales. I was keen to do it again this year. The trouble is, you need to keep track not only of the show dates, but the various dates you need to have paperwork and payments submitted by. I dutifully submitted my application and vendor fee back in February but was getting antsy that I'd heard nothing back. Now I know why. It appears that I submitted my application 2 weeks too late. They would have told me this but they also seem to have LOST MY APPLICATION AND CHECK.

Now I have a pretty big hole in my schedule. It's likely too late to get into another convention at this late a date. I'm scrambling to find something. I've pickled up a Klingon event near Akron this weekend but its a crap shoot. I have no one to blame but myself and that is a pretty shitty feeling.

In a last ditch Hail Mary I am contacting other merchants at Marcon to see if any of them will sell me one of their tables. I have a lead. It might cost me a corset (as an incentive/bribe) but its worth a shot. Keep your fingers crossed.

Perks of the Job

Sometimes my job is not the glamorous, action-adventure film I make it out to be. Sometimes I am stuck in Muskogee Oklahoma for a month slowly going mad. Or desperately erecting a tent in the rain at 6am to replace the one destroyed by a storm.

But sometime it IS the glamorous, action-adventure film I make it out to be. Sometimes it DOES NOT SUCK to be me. Case in point:

Last weekend was Vulkon, a rather small Sci-Fi convention held in a non-descript Holiday Inn in independence Ohio, This was an autograph show. The event owners bring in 2 or 3 big names. Fans pay a good chunk of cash to get in a long line, buy a photo from the Con and get it signed by the star. You get no time to talk with them and cannot have them sign your own item.

My lovely wife and I are working the dealers room. Most vendors are not doing well. Attendance is down. No one seems to be buying. Could it have anything to do with the fact that there isn't one goddamn hand made item for sale? Everything is officially licensed Paramount or Star Wars bubble-plastic crapulence. Much of it is being discounted so the dealers can make table fee.

We on the other hand are doing ok. After all, we sell very hot corsets. At the end of the day we begin getting ready to close up and head home when a voice says from behind me "I'm in trouble, and I was told you guys could help me out."

I turned and found myself looking into the beautiful eyes of Ms. Claudia Christian. For those of you who are unfamiliar, she is the actress who played Commander Ivonova in the very cool series Babylon 5. In case you can't remember what she looks like, here is a refresher:



Of course, she didn't wear such an outfit on the show, it is meant only to make you hate me more than you may already. (BTW, you can buy this image and several others here)

As a former butler I am trained to be unflappable so I maintained most of my cool when I replied "Certainly, how may we be of assistance?"

Apparently she had thought she was flying out that night, but her contract called for her to attend a banquet at the hotel and she had 'nothing to wear'. We quickly sprang into action and provided a lovely corset and shirt to replace the rather plain shirt and hoodie she was wearing. This required her to remove these items which was done with the assistance of my wife as I discretely turned my back. (The dealers room was almost empty by this time). As I finished tying her up I suggested she pull down on the shirt we had provided to better show off her figure but she was already ahead of me. "I've been to enough ren-faires to know what to do" she said.


Claudia goes to Ren-fairs! Glee!


She was very funny and quite personable during her fitting and we sent her off to the banquet in good spirits. Did I get a photo of this amazing event? Oh course not! I am an idiot and did not have my camera. I pound my head against the table.

'So you have no proof that this actually happened. Is that what you're saying Steve?'
Oh you cowardly non-believers! The next morning I took my camera, but alas, she was gone. The corset and shirt were left on our table with the following note:




Apparently her flight left fairly early. I have minions working to locate any pictures taken of her in the outfit. If I locate any I will post them here. Several women did in fact show up on Sunday saying Claudia gave them our card including an very pretty young woman from New Zealand named Mary Oyaya who plays one of the Jedi in the Star Wars movies. (you can see the her and the guests in attendance here) She should be ordering a corset in the next week or so.

Fire!

Vulkon sci-fi convention in Cleveland.
Sunday. We've been open less than an hour when the fire alarm goes off.
We grab only the essentials; the credit card machine and ourselves. It
appears to be a false alarm though. Too bad, our stock is insured.

'The Final Cut' = Worth Watching

Last night I watched 'The Final Cut' a film that went through the theaters like a greasy taco on buck-a-beer night at the El Sombrero. This is too bad because its actually a pretty cool film.




The set up is simple. In an a quasi-alternate reality parents can implant an organic device in their unborn child called the EYE implant (Everything You Experience) which records everything they see, hear and say for their entire life. Upon their death, a 'cutter' takes the implant, downloads all its information and edits it down to an hour or so highlight film called a 'rememory' to be shown at the funeral.

Robin Williams plays Alan Hakman, a cutter who specializes in carefully editing the lives of pervs, abusers and other wealthy but wacked individuals into something tasteful for their next of kin. In this role he is privy to lots of dirty laundry. As such he is very remote and uneasy around people. An anti EYE implant group seeks to get the raw EYE footage of a powerful member of the company that makes the EYE and will go to great langths to get it. Williams is also haunted by a childhood memory about a death he may have caused.

Willams does a good job though the understated role could have beenplayed by a number of good actors. The look of the film is also very understated. No chrome, no CGI, or explosions which is a relief. If Bruckhimer had directed this, it would have been a messy pile of shit with Ben Afflek, gunfights and a 'tasteful' sex scene with Hollywoods latest piece of ass. In fact, its best feature is that 'Final Cut' generates post-film converstions about how society would view such an invention. How would you behave if you knew everything you did would someday be watched by someone you don't know?

Rise up! Fight the power!

I was raised a Unitarian. Our battle cry; "Whatever makes you happy". This meant that I only had to attend a few religious services a year at the West Shore Unitarian Church and the ones I did attend, were pretty laid back. But times have changed. We live in a post 9/11 world now, which means that all our actions have to be based on fear and anger. I found this manifesto from a group called Unitarian Jihad. Read on a ndprepare yourselves.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole for further discussion.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.

More cool watch goodness

These clever monkeys just keep coming up with more and more cool watches. When I am God Emperor of this miserable mud ball of a planet I will have an entire government department dedicated to providing me with cool gadgets like this.



Does it tell time? Who the hell cares? You can go check it out for yourself here.

Movies that are cool

Sin City rocks, but you already knew that. It's a great adaptation of a Frank Miller graphic novel. It's authentic in so many details. It's a delight to watch. Many comics just can't translate into film. I thought Spider-Man wouldn't and I was wrong. I think The Fantastic Four will suck and I will be right this time. But the blood-splattered and artistically violent Sin City is a different animal and I am very pleased with the results. I'm keen to see what the DVD extras will be for this. I was also impressed with Mickey Rourke, who showed that he can, in fact, act. There was a new and real character there instead of the slimy pedophile type he's been doing for the past few years.

While in Biloxi at CoastCon we were set up next to some guys selling cheap bootleg DVD's. He played a loop from a Japanese film called Cashern which I've hear a lot about. This clip was an absolutely amazing fight sequence, and I eneded up getting it based on that endlessly looped fight. Sadly, this fight is one of the only cool parts of the this overly-long film. The visuals are great but its really drags at times. Some editing could tighten it up. It may be released in the US and its worth a rent (or download off the internets if you're of the Piratical persuasion).

A also bought Appleseed, which was pretty damn good. This combination of Anime and realistic 3d has some stunning action sequences in it. I mean it. They blow the Matrix away. But the confusing story is again hampered by weak translation from Japanses. An english dub with some better dialog could make this a total winner. Go check it out for the eye candy. There are mechs shooting big guns and that's good enough for me goddammit.

Akira Bike Mod...Very Cool

Like many of you, I saw the Anime film 'Akira' a number of years ago. It was visually stunning, if a bit uneven in the plot department (something I seem to notice happens a lot in Anime. As soon as you hear someone use the word 'Gaia', just accept that there will be alot of allegory, and pseudo-mystical blah blah for the next hour and a half).

Anyway, in the film a character named Keneda rides a very sweet bike. There have been several attempts to replicate this bike, but its not easy since the drive train needs to bend around the driver and you need a very custom frame. But thanks to some very clever people over in the land of the rising sun (aka Japan) you can now buy a kit that will transform a Honda scooter into a Akira-style bike.

You can get a completely finished bike for only $10,700, a kit for $5,800.

Link to Gizmodo article
Link to Japanese site

When will the smiting stop?

We departed the NC ren last weekend just as the first drops of rain
began to fall. When we arrived home, there was a message on the
answering machine "please come over and fix your tent". Hmmm, well that
wasn't going to happen. On friday we arrived back on site to find our
tent flipped upside down with the above sign taped to it. Thanks for the
help guys.

The tent was is fair condition so we re-set it up and went to bed. At
4am the rains came. I sat up thinking 'I have to check the tent' but it
was warm in the tent and freezing outside. At 5am I couldn't take it and
threw on pants and shoes and padded over to the site. the winds were far
worse on site, and I arrived to find the tent completely destroyed.
Unsalvadgeable. I woke rossana and she confirmed the fact. The rain was
still sporatic. We couldn't do the day wothout some kind of shelter.
There was nothing to do but get to Wal-mart and get a replacement. But
when we arrived we discovered that they didn't carry them. Fuck. But
where there is a wal-mart there are Sams clubs. We got the address and
spent the next hour trying to get to it. The town of Raleigh is built
like a big wheel, with an outer belt, and a series of spokes. These are
designed to quickly and efficiently take you away from wherever the hell
it is you need to go. I swear, this town was design to confound foreign
invaders through badly labeled and misguiding roads.

We eventuaaly found the Sams club, only to learn that they wouldn't open
for 30 minutes. The clock was ticking. The show opens at 10am. We
pounded on the door, flashed our membership cards, and fell on the mercy
of the manager. He took pity on us and we bought an EZ up. This is the
standerd tent for craft shows. Its well made, but not very medieval. We
threw it in the van and drove back to the site. The sky had been
lightening, but when we got back on site the rain was falling again. We
set up the tent and went for breakfast.

The weather changed wildly throughout the day, from sunny, to slate grey
skies, to rain, to wind. At times, we had to have customers help us hold
down the tent. How we managed to do sales was beyond me. By the end of
the day it was raining and there was a tornado watch in effect. We
called it quits. Rossana and I were wet and chilled to the bone. The
rain stopped, we dropped the tent, packed all the stock in the van and
went to change. Now we find that our camping tent has partially blown
down. We re-set it as best we can and abandon it. Fuck this event, I'm
getting a room. We check in and take hour long showers to thaw out.
turned on the tv to learn that the Pope died. Not a great day all the
way around.

A lesser man...

Teri Schiavo passed away today. At the same time, Jerry Falwell is on a ventilator and the Pope is being fed through a tube.

Take a moment to think about that. If Michael Schiavo, Judge Grier and a member of the Supreme Court were struck down with serious illnesses religious whack jobs would be jumping for joy and singing hymns. "See! God is punishing these evil men! He is punishing these evil men for disobeying his will".

But none of those people are sick. Instead, the Pope, Jerry Falwell and Teri Schiavo are (or were). A lesser man, a more bitter man, might point and scream "See! God is punishing these people! He is punishing these evil people for disobeying his will!". A lesser man would poke his finger repetitively into the chests of those sign waving, bible quoting, slack-jawed fundies and say "I guess we know who God wants dead now, don't we? You were wrong. There was no miracle. Your wailing and hate-speak did nothing.!!"

But the whole flipping the situation on its head thing doesn't really work here. Although not a Catholic, I generally respect the Pope and much of the work he has done over the years. And Teri was not being punished by God here, she's been released from years of suffering. And Jerry Falwell, well... He's a bloated warthog and I don't feel his passing will really big that big a loss except to those on his payroll.

Maybe the message here is a simple one. Maybe God is speaking to us but like a bad game of 'telephone', the message has gotten horribly garbled. Maybe he's simply reminding us that well all die. That's it. It is inevitable. It's how the system works. No prayers, no medical procedure and no amount of money can change it. We all go sometime. Will these people learn from this farce? Not likely. They'll just keep waving their signs and babbling on about morals and Gods will, which to me is pretty arrogant.

Anyone who says "I think I speak for GOD, when I say that..." is someone who is looking to cause trouble. Stay away from people like this. If God has something really important to say, he can damn well speak for himself using a freakin' pillar of divine fire.

Enjoy your weekend people. Go do something with you wife or husband. Turn off the TV. Go out in the yard and start cleaning out the dead leaves in the garden, there's new flowers just starting to peek out. The cycle starts again, just like its supposed to.

And now for something completely different

Here's alink to an Amazon.com page. Amazon has a neat system where people can list how to do things. Of course, to do these 'things' they're gonna need some 'stuff', which Amazon of course provides. So without further ado:

So you'd like to...kill a dude

I am glad that Amazon.com cares enough to help me inflict my squirrly wrath upon my enemies.

North Carolina

Its a haul, but its no trip to florida. We arrive in good order. Our
space is decent. Setup was trouble-free. This makes me nervous.

The event is held in a fairground that is massive enought to hold the
renfair, a dog show, and some kind of NASCAR event. After setup we
locate food and go see 'million dollar baby' which is oddly timely
considering the Schiavo case in florida. Good film, though I don't know
if it was oscar material.

The weather is threatening and sunday is Easter. We're not holding our
breath about sales. If they're good, they're good. Our competition is
here, carrying some of the corsets we carry. I will delight in crushing
him if at all possible. The guy is a rude jackass. Its too bad punching
people in the hooha is frowned upon in this day and age.

Be prepared

Yesterday was a great sales day. Despite gray skies and cool temps we
did great. We had dinner with the folks from Griffin Works Leather and swapped stories of deadbeat customers and ideas to help our businesses grow. It was suposed to rain last night, and Rossana wasn't feeling good so we
took lodging at a motel. We watched the weather channel as the ominous
green blotch that was an ugly storm moved towards us. No rains
showed themselves.

Today damned gray again, and despite the further threat of rain and
Easter holliday there are poeple here. Its slow, but I don't mind.

BTW the photo is the back of a cheap cd player I bought. I found this
notice when I went to put in the batteries, which is a process I am
fairly familiar with. Why is this sign here? Who gets paid to put this
piece of paper in every player? I wonder about these things...

This is Cat. If you know her you will notice 2 very important things.
1) She is wearing a dress and
2) She is wearing a corset.

Now I know you are thinking that this is a sign of the apocalypse, but just calm down. Take a deep breath. It will be ok... just relax...

No wait, we're doomed, she's wearing a freakin' corset! (Thanks for being a good sport cat.)

Short and sweet

I need to stay at home more because the government seems to do some dumb-ass things whenever I leave town. Last time, a war broke out. This time, the Federal government passed a law it had no right to pass. In a remarkable display of hypocrisy and heartstrings Congress passed a (unconstitutional)law to take the Terri Schiavo case to the federal level, despite it being gone over ad infinitum in the Florida court system.

Despite the fact that Terri's husband is her guardian, despite the fact that she is a vegetable (as determined by 5 doctors), despite the fact that she stated she would not want to live that way, her family and many lawmakers and religious zealots feel that this woman is simply needs the right kind of treatment and would rather spend the rest of her life lying in a bed, fed by a tube as she has for the past 15 years.

They state that removing the tube is cruel, as she is essentially dying of dehydration. In this I am in agreement. This is not the way to go. She is able to breathe and her heart functions on its own. There is no 'plug' to pull. The answer is simple. A massive morphine dose. This is quick and painless.

Allow me to take a moment here and make a statement, witnessed by you the public. In the event I am injured in such a way as my brain functions are destroyed or damaged beyond recovery, I DO NOT wish to be kept on ANY form of life support. I am gone already. The bed I am lying in and the resources used to keep me alive could go to someone else who might recover. My organs could help save a dozen lives. Further, if my autonomic functions are still functioning, I DEMAND that someone take me out. Morphine, pillow over the face, whatever it takes. I, nor any member of my family will press charges (the state is another mater).

Doctors are limited by the Hippocratic oath, which forbids them from doing harm. But what is more harmful? A non-life in a vegetative state? Starvation/dehydration? Or morphine? Let me even expand this. I firmly believe in the right to die. I support Dr. Kevorkian and his attemots to let people take their own life with dignity in cases where there is no cure and death will be slow and agonizing. Have you ever heard of Lou Gehrigs disease? Take a look and tell me that sounds like fun. Life for the sake of life is a truly naive and stupid way to look at the world.

I know that some people feel very passionately about this on both sides. If I have offended you I am sorry. I love life. I strive every day to enjoy it to the fullest. But I feel that once the quality of my life is significantly diminished, it is an insult to prolong it. And if you feel the same way, you better write it down and get it witnessed. You better make sure someone other than your wife/husband knows your wishes. Rossana and I have already done so.

As one congressman said "I estimate the cost of casting this special vote to be about 5 million dollars, I wonder how much healthcare we could have spent that on, how much education."

Here endeth the rant...