Thursday, February 23, 2006

Stunning news. Indians are not Jews!

I really am not making this shit up. If you are not familiar with the basic idea behind the Mormons it goes something like this:

In the 1800's a man named Joseph Smith was visited by angels who showed him two golden plates on which was written a new testament about Jesus. These tablets were written in another language but not to worry, the angels gave Joe magic glasses to translate these holy plates, which no one actually saw. Among the wackiness; apparently Jesus(tm) came to America and the native American population is actually a lost tribe of Israel.

Really.

Except of course that Indians are NOT Jews. Genetic testing has conclusively proved it. This has kind of freaked out the Mormons (aka the Church of Latter day saints) because, well, the words of Joseph Smith are (like the words of so many religions) completely true and incapable of ever being wrong. Except when they are.

Look, I strive to be tolerant and accepting of many faiths and beliefs. But really guys, this shit is just made up. Just like Scientology it was made up whole cloth.

At some point I think I will create a religion and make it composed of nothing but whacko nonsense and contradicting statements ( I know, I know. So many are already there). Volumes of it (because the validity of a religion seems to be based upon how many pounds its holy books weigh) And you know what? I will find people willing to believe in it wholeheartedly. They will see the wisdom of my words. They will know the warm glow of faith without reason. If I play my cards right I will be able to made up rules that let me do any damn thing I want. Multiple wives? Sure. All your money? Give it to me. Raping children, I say its okey-dokey. Upon my death there will be a power struggle. The original doctrine will be largely ignored in the rush to grab power. My message will be commoditized and sold in specialty stores. My visions will be reduced to images on tortia shells, my wisdom printed on bumper stickers. There will eventually be sectarian splits in my whacko religion. These will become schisms that will set one group against another. There will be violence and murder. Both in my church and against those who do not believe. All in my name.

I gotta gets me some of that action.


This is what comes of not using your brain.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

You SO have to make up your own religion now! Look what happened with the Flying Spaghetti Monster! Pastafarians are everywhere now (even one of our dogs converted).

Steve said...

I must admit I have been tempted. But even if I eventually pulled back the cutrain and told my loyal dupes that it was all just a joke, they wouldn't believe it. They would say i was testing them!

If I insisted hard enough they would eventually become cross, say i was possesed my demons or clowns or whatever and kill me.

And that can ruin your day.

Cmdr. Freed said...

You might want to rethink that idea.
After all it did not work out so well for Vernon Wayne Howell.