The two pills

*** Notice! Explicit Language Ahead! ***

I visited the doctor a few weeks ago. I wasn't feeling bad when I walked in his door. No sir. I was feeling like crap a week earlier but I was fine when they actually got around to seeing me. I explained how I somehow threw out my back doing NOTHING. The pain was so bad I took some pain killers my wife got for dental surgery. This deadened the pain but I suddenly developed a screaming headache and a dull but persistent testicular pain. That's right, it was like a little man had taken up residence in my underwear and decided that he needed to squeeze one of testicles constantly to punnish it for some perceived wrong it had commited.

It was a fun 7 days.

The doctor listened to my symptoms and then, I kid you not, said "Well, you're feeling better now aren't you? SO I guess it wasn't serious."

Really? I spent a week freaked out, sleepless and panicked about taking pain killers that caused a four day headache and wondering why the hell one of my fracking BALLS was turning EVIL. This is your wizened medical opinion? Awesome.

Since there was nothing for him to look at he decided to check my blood pressure and schedule a physical. I got my blood tested and a chest x-ray. Then I got poked and prodded, and yes, that included our favorite the D.R.E. (Moooooooooon Riveeeeeeerr....) Too obscure?

The doctor reviews the various numbers and tells me that many things are just fine. Great. I like things being fine. But one number isn't fine. My blood pressure. He's taken readings like 20 times and seems confident that it's "Slightly high". Hmmm. He goes on to explain that HBP is "The Silent Killer".

I thought that Ninja's were the silent killers. But tests have shown that HBP kills significantly more people than Ninja's (these days). Then he writes a prescription and hands it to me. That was a slap. I have rarely been prescribed anything. And now there are not one but two pills that I am supposed to take every morning. I guess 'Slightly High' was high enough to warrant drugs.

I hit wikipedia and the side effects scare me. Having a heart attack scares me more. I take the pills and really don't feel them doing anything even after 2 weeks. The doctor has said that I have to cut down on the sodium as well as the shitty foods. Get more exercise etc etc blahblahblah no more fun...

Then we go on the road to Florida. To work. To do what we do for a living. Let me tell you that the road is not kind to someone looking to "cut back". There is almost nothing available in a gas station or fast food restaurant that isn't packed to the gills with evil. Real evil. Do they really need to use babies slathered in lard to make a Wendy's double? It's bad food. I've always known this. I am not naive. But once you start reading those packages, desperate for something to eat, you cannot help but get discouraged. That's why I used to ignore those labels. So that I may live in blissful ignorance. I tried ordering off IHOP's 'Healthy Menu'. and even without bacon or sausage or anythin obviously bad it STILL had 1,100 mg of sodium. Just so you know, a low sodium diet should be under 2,000mg per DAY. In the end we found a grocery store and bought some tuna, bread and sugar free cookies. Can't use lunchmeat, too much frickin sodium.

That actually worked out pretty well. Convention food is brutally expensive as well as super evil. I'm happy to save some money, it's just hard to find time to make a sandwich. When we got back home we went shopping at WalMart. I found plain chicken breast was filled with more sodium than I could have imagined. I had to get the "Super Healthy Cuts" . These didn't have the extra crap and yet they cost more. That is a swell racket.

I know that making these changes will improve my health. I also know that I have very little willpower. Give up wings forever? Ha! But I suppose I can cut back. It's strange but I think I can actually taste the extra salt now in regular foods now when I eat them. Am I crazy?

And another thing? Rossana's blood pressure is actually too LOW. She needs more salt dammit! I'm thinking of getting her a salt lick.

I hope I can stick with this. Our work schedule and travel has meant that we've slipped in our eating habits. Rossana has always been good, but even she has slipped and it's my fault. I have stuck with one healthier choice so far. A couple months ago I cut way back on diet cola (caffine). I switched to water or diet 7 up and I'm actually less twitchy. Maybe if I stick with this I'll loose a few pounds and feel better as a result. We shall see...