Friday, May 02, 2008

Customer Service = Boot to the goin...

Whenever we leave for a trip abroad my wife dutifully calls her credit card companies to to let them know where we're going to avoid the cards being flagged for foreign purchases.

I usually think about doing this and then just go on the trip without any incident.

But this time I actually wrote a note and called Capital One. After identifying myself I told the nice lady that I was heading off on a German adventure. She made a note and then for some reason transferred me to another department. This lady told me that the card 'needed to be re-activated' and that I had to answer several questions.


Re-activated? I checked the expiration date. No that's fine. And I used the card last week for a business purchase. Ooooooookaaaaay. I'll go along because I'm a sheep.

'First question: How much is the amount of your mortgage payment each month?'
I am given 4 possible answers.

Me: "Um, I'm not sure I can answer the question"

That was obviously the wrong thing to say.

"These questions are generated by the credit agencies. To verify who you are we need you to correctly answer these questions"

Me:"Well, there are two issues here. First, my mortgage is paid automatically each month by my bank. Second, it recently changed slightly and the amount might be answer B or C. I don't know. We set it up this way so that we wouldn't have to worry about writing checks every month. You know, to lover our stress level." I give a chuckle, there is no reciprocating chuckle.

Second question:"Your mortgage is held by which company?" Several choices are offered.

At this point it feels like this is some kind of fishing expedition. Why the hell do you need this information? I ask why I am being grilled about my Mortgage and she say only that I have to answer these questions. I ask for a supervisor.

10 minutes later I get an American voice. She starts explaining that the questions are needed to verify I am who I say I am because only I would know the answers to these questions.

I inform the woman that I was told I had to 're-authorize' my already active card and that I didn't think that my mortgage was any of their damn business thank you very much. She explains that the questions are random and might be as simple as "what color is your car?". Why the hell would my credit card company know what color car I drive???? By this time I am wrapping my head in an intricate tin foil hat/brainwave shield.

She tries to explain that they are simply trying to prevent fraud. That calling the credit card company and letting them know you are heading abroad is JUST the kind of thing that filthy criminals would do. Great. If I simply take off on a trip and buy a sausage alarm bells go off at Capital One, if I TELL them I am going to Germany as a courtesy I am obviously a criminal looking to game the system.

She then goes on to tell me that I am obviously not paying close enough attention to my credit cards and that my wife could go off and open an account and leave me with massive debt.

I am not kidding.

I put a halt to the conversation. "Ask me your questions. If possible I'd rather they don't involve inquiries about my mortgage."

"Why not?"

"Because there are three institutions people don't trust any more. The Government, the banks and the credit card companies. The order these institutions are mistrusted by me is quickly being rewritten based on this call".

"How do you pay the balance on this card?"

Wow. How do I explain the convoluted process by which we pay for stock? I try to explain that charge the card but then pay off the balance every month with a home equity line of credit that doesn't (as I delicately put it) 'Rape us so badly'. That payment is made, I think, by check.

"I need specifics sir. Who's name is on the checks?"

"Jesu Christu I just don't know, my WIFE writes them. I suspect both our names are on the checks."

"And what bank is this through?"

At this point I honestly don't know. My blood pressure is dangerously high and I am under my desk with the lights off because I think someone is outside my window peaking in. Is it the mortgage company? The bank? If I get this wrong will they nuke my account? Will the credit card company call homeland security to warn them that Al Qaida is attempting to import weaponized chocolate? I take a wild guess which must have been right. She gives me a number to call if I loose my card and thanks me for choosing Capital One. I hang up the phone and then beat it against my desk several times for good measure.

Customer service.



Unknown said...

Heh heh heh heh heh...

- and I bet her name was something like "Crystal" or "Darlene" too, wasn't it?
I get the same b*tch every time I have to call most any financial institution for whatever reason. well.. - usually. There is the occasional instance when I can commandeer the conversation and get the other converser to laugh, or at least giggle. - then it's all smooooth sailin'...

Anonymous said...

Lovely blog! A little too spammy though