Friday, November 12, 2004

Dumb Monkeys

Well the election is over and true unmitigated ignorance has won out over clear, rational thinking. I will confess here and now, that I thought in my heart that this thing was in the bag for Kerry. Really.

My reasoning wasn't so flawed as you might think. It went something like this: When you enter that voting booth, that it. You are alone and away from the prying eyes of the world. You are free to vote how you truly feel. And I thought that people, despite whatever they told their friends and coworkers and political party, would quietly vote for Kerry in an attempt to put a stop to the madness of this regime

I was BALLS OUT wrong.

The one consolation is that Bush MAY turn out to be a lame duck. We just need to keep him isolated and politically immobile. Isolation won't be hard. 49% of the country and much of the world hates him. His cabinet had had enough of this moron. These are tough jobs under the best of conditions, but 4 years under Bush has taken its toll for these people. I won't be surprised to see Colin Powell go. At one time I thought I could vote for the man if he ran for the Oval Office. I didn't think he would enter the political arena because he just seemed too nice and straightforward a guy. But after his performance at the U.N. there are really only two possibilities; he's become a lying weasel or he's an idiot. Neither possibility inspires my vote.

That can pretty much summarize my opinion of a lot of senior level officials. Lying weasel or idiot. Maybe a bit of both. Below is s a concession speech from a third party candidate. This is a man who will never get the popular vote, but he does speak him mind. Enjoy!

November 03, 2004
Concession Speech
[Former candidate Felber, flanked by his family and supporters, steps up to the podium in the bright autumn sunlight.]

My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spoken with a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession.

I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people. Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really special. And I mean "special" in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special.

I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerful stuff, and I didn't see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate the President's strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well, that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number of folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as their biggest issue, those people changed history. The folks who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy... Who'd have thought the election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that.
[Boos.] Now, now. Credit where it's due.

I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of 10 of you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do. Thank you. Thank you very much.

There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last night, I watched the returns come in with some friends here in Los Angeles. As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about secession, a red state / blue state split. The reasoning was this: We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receive the majority of the money from those taxes while complaining about 'em. We in the blue states are the only ones who've
been attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a war in our name. We in the blue states produce the entertainment that you consume so greedily each day, while you in the red states show open disdain for us and our values. Blue state civilians are the actual victims and targets of the war on terror, while red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!"

More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, the people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it's not true, but those of you who are at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you can. As part of my concession speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.

Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and excoriates us... we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moral values. You knew better: America doesn't need its allies, doesn't need to share the burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it's got a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who are
willing to pay the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never have. Because we're "morally inferior," I suppose, we are supposed to respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years, we've done just that.
It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the same. Being an independent candidate gives me one luxury - as well as conceding the election today, I am also announcing my candidacy for President in 2008. [Wild applause, screams, chants of "Fel-ber! Fel-ber!] Thank you.

And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there will be no pandering. This time I will run with all the open and joking contempt for my opponents that our President demonstrated towards the cradle of liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite," and the "white-wine sippers." This time I will not pretend that the simple folk of America know just as much as the people who devote their lives to serving and studying the nation and the world. They don't.

So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped grade- school grads. Vote for me, because I know better, and I truly believe that I can help your smug, sorry asses. Vote Felber in '08! Thank you,
and may God, if he does in fact exist, bless each and every one of you.

1 comment:

~Dev said...


Nice rant. I couldn't agree more.

My fiancĂ©e (Ellen) and I cannot believe it ourselves. Since when did they accept throwing poo at a picture of Bush as a legitimate way to vote? Dumb monkeys being allowed to vote is NEVER a good idea (damned… dirty apes).

She and I spent much of our energies, some of our hard-earned money, and a few days of our valuable time canvassing neighborhoods… meeting with nice people to rally support for John Kerry’s cause. We both stayed up on November 2nd (and most of November 3rd) in eager anticipation of a Kerry landslide… Ellen had a bad feeling about it and went to bed before me. Yet, I held onto the hope that most American human beings (of voting age) were inherently intelligent (not necessarily problem-solving or tool-building intelligent, but aware of what was right and good and how to make the proper choice). It all hung on Ohio.

Then the blow was delivered… Kerry conceded. All was lost. My “wookie” bellow could be heard for miles (which alarmed most of my co-workers and startled onlookers all the same). DUMB MONKEYS! And lest we forget the treachery perpetrated by the dishonorable Mr. Kenneth Blackwell (Ohio’s answer to Florida’s equally maligned Catherine Harris of 2000 infamy). It was stolen… and unlike the brave people of Ukraine, we lack the courage of our convictions in going to the streets with pure revolutionary outrage. Most Americans sat idly by… chomping on food retrieved from greasy and convenient ‘heart attack’ sacks… and allowed this to occur. I say FINE… if most of America is this dumb, then we truly deserve whatever is going to happen to us. Those of us smart enough to move out of the way and off to safety will do so (and live to tell a cautionary tale similar to those told of “Camelot” by once proud citizens).

Am I bitter… damn-straight, I am. Will I get over it… no. After having the pleasure of spending a week in Paris (last April), I gained a new perspective. Now, France is looking mighty inviting… and having a future wife who speaks French fluently is an added bonus.

Take care Steve… and I’m glad there are a few of us out there who can still adhere to the principles of what true Americans should hold dear… to the core ideals crafted by our forefathers and foremothers at its inception.